52 Weeks: #2

This week's mission was deceptively simple: accept yourself just the way you are. But oh, the unexpected knee-jerk resistance!

When I was younger, this was fairly easy--my mom was an articulate, well-educated, liberal freak, and always, always made sure to support me, bolster my confidence, nurture my creativity, and tell me how awesome I was. Even though I didn't accept it 100% all of the time, at least I knew someone smart thought I was groovy.

Half-way through my 20's, I allowed myself to get entrenched in an unhealthy relationship in which my partner thought it was his duty to tear me down and dump on everything I held dear about myself. Now, this person is currently doing his best to make amends, and I wish him well, but in fact, he destroyed my self-confidence. It's been a long, long road to regain some of that, and I'm determined to get that back.

This mission is addressing that particular topic head on. There's no "getting it back," in fact, because it never left. I'm still the same person I was, with even more experience and creative accomplishments under my belt. Pace and Kyeli tell me I'm perfect just the way I am. The trick is to realio, trulio believe it in my heart.

I learned something this week about my heart, and believing in myself. Before the "Bad Ex," there was a "Good Ex." This person was (and is) a true soul mate. I made a mistake in shedding that relationship, which I don't dwell on, simply acknowledge. The Good Ex not only accepted me the way I was, he adored me. I got an email out of the blue just before the new year in which he expressed that he still thinks of me as an awesome person. I was so stunned I couldn't reply for a whole week. It's extremely rare that I'm rendered speechless, and this email was so full of lovely things that I'm still walking around in a daze.

Which brings me to how I plan to take this mission to heart: the key is REASSURANCE, at least for me. I live alone, and sometimes that's hard to come by, especially when one is a rabid individualist. We all need reassurance from time to time. I will practice finding ways to reassure myself, or learn how to ask a few trusted friends and relatives for reassurance when I find it hard to believe in myself. More proof this is good for me--I only just now read what P & K have to say about reassurance, and they say it's OK to express our need for reassurance--we're so smart! It was very reassuring!

This is especially important as the body ages and becomes less physically attractive (maybe I'll get over that one, too), and since I'm no longer defined by or associated with a "straight" job. It may take a while to really soak in--after all, we're only meat! (Which according to Pace and Kyeli means that our emotional, non-rational self is awesome, too--see their incredible, free e-book, The Usual Error.)

I've been mulling over the Tucson shooting, and among other thoughts, was very reassured by our President's words. So this reassurance thing has universal as well as personal implications.

Tomorrow is the big Sixty Five! Lunch at Mandelo's with family, maybe shop for some good walking shoes, maybe a night at the Alamo Drafthouse South, catch up on a first-run movie. I plan to celebrate all week, if not longer.

WhiteHouse.gov

Obama's tech folks had a live and functioning official White House Web site seconds after he was sworn in, at least we think he was. The site is an exemplar of good Web design. And they take comments from everyone.

Gone is the tired, monolithic Bush era site, still proclaiming Iraq had WMDs...somewhere...

News reports depict a medieval-like tech setup in the dank dungeons of government, a miasma of spotty and substandard communication systems. Kinda reminds me of the unveiling of the Great and Magnificent Oz, when Toto grasped the curtain in his teeth and pulled it aside to reveal a powerless snake oil salesman. The contrast is staggering.

They have not yet updated the "designate" status of various cabinet members, but considering the state in which they are operating, it's unfair to criticize the delay. The site itself is an open window into how Obama plans to proceed, and it will be interesting to see where they go with it.

The antidote to fear is knowledge, which can only be achieved in an open community. Bodes very well.

Dear Mr. Obama

The indie news is full of chatter about our president-elect's unprecedented inclusion of the public in brainstorming public policy. Mr. Obama is as close to a genius as we've had in the White House. He recognizes the importance of using the more human side of current communications technology to get a reading on how the country is doing. This implies many good things. 1) we are all interconnected 2) change cannot occur unless you can convince the average citizen to buy into it (spiritually and financially) 3) might as well use the tech we've developed for forming community consensus to the good rather than the instrument of fear it's been the past 8 years.

As I toddle around this city, I never cease to be dazzled by the memories of old Austin subdurally while high-rises are dominating the skyline. Since the last time I posted on the phenomenal growth here, I've learned a few things. Texas added 200+K jobs in the last few years. It feels eerie, because I'm hearing of large groups of people being laid off in TX. They gutted the UT HS Center in Galveston, cutting loose thousands of medical faculty and practitioners. Various cost-recovery groups on campus are paring staff.

What keeps me on an arguable even keel is focusing on the locations in Austin that were a product of the New Deal. The beautiful, functional, efficient buildings and public works that pulled Austin out of the Great Depression and all over the country. These works are still working, folks. That's a pretty hefty testament to what we Americans are capable of.

So once again, I allow myself a few moments of unbridled, unadulterated hope. That this man who will be our president HAS learned from the past. Is smart enough to use his pooh-poohed "community engagement" skills to educate and illuminate a viable path through the current daggy landscape. I want to help. And if there's any way I can get the word farther upline, I'd love to have a hand in forming the new America.

Now, to figure out what that might look like. Most certainly end-of-life care and the aging population as part of health care, especially now that we know he will bring all the internet capabilities to bear. This also contains the seed for more cross-generational brainstorming and problem solving, which is crucial to all of us.

Mostly a more humane awareness of community and fractals thereof. Yes, after such a long absence of any idea where we're going other than to you know where in a you know what, it's almost scary to feel hope creeping in, almost as if I acknowledge it, it will get yanked out from under my feet. I refuse to live that way any more. No bullying allowed!

Recovering from PTSD

A few posts back I mentioned Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the Iraq and US citizenry. Seems other minds are thinking the same way. I subscribe to OpEd News, and Rob Kall has an interesting take on what he calls PPPTSD, or political, partisan post traumatic stress and "learned helplessness" in the aftermath of the last eight years.

I've also written about PTSD as an all-too-frequent outcome for significant others in an alcoholic relationship. It's tough to live in balance when your president is behaving like an alcoholic bully. Unfortunately, this kind of scenario turns violent quickly, and can put a lot of people in harm's way for what is essentially an adolescent hissy-fit. Best get a lot of distance.

There are new estimates that 300,000 of our military suffer from PTSD, and 320,000 have traumatic brain injuries. We should be helping those men and women out. It's real, and it's the right thing to do. We're going to need lots 'o nurses, doctors, medical facilities, counselors, mental health professionals as well as physical. There's a good place to put money for education. Taking care of our wounded. What a concept.

There's a lot of work to be done. This time I think we have a chance to get some things right. Truth, justice, and the American Way, in the broadest sense. Traveling and living abroad gives one an entirely different perspective of home. We're all on this planet together, and we'd be vastly enriched if we joined the global community. Trade, yes, but broadening minds as well. We all have a lot to learn, and a huge stake in working together to fix this joint up right.

Does anybody know if Mitchell's Herb Acre still exists? I think they were in Oregon. Carried lots of unique things, like saffron bulbs, and quite reasonable. That's my dream. To grow and sell herbs for women. Black and blue cohosh, valerian, angelica root, all those earthy, Capricorn herbs. Good for every stage of life, menarche, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and beyond--saved my life. Get an Australian Shepherd again. And a decent computer system that will accomodate all my RPGs. I've already run out of room on my current rig. Dontcha hate that?

Our mom lived in Chicago for nearly 35 years. When she died, we had a little ceremony at the end of a pier in the lake and scattered her ashes. It was stunning to watch them descend, the sunlight filtering through revealing curious fish attracted by the sparkles. To think that the cycle of life was complete.

And then on election night, watching the ocean of people in Grant Park, where I have been, with my mother, and know that she would have been on the Obama team from before his senate run. She would have been there to hear his first, historically and intellectually memorable speech that was the turning point in getting us up out of this muck.

A very long way to go, but I sure feel great about finding ways to help us all get back together again. Even to the point of considering...just maybe, you understand...actually attending my 50th h.s. reunion. Who knows?

The scary dude above is my character in Two Worlds. Insanely buffed in weaponry, armor, magic, and that certain savoir faire.

Presidential Debate a real stomach churner

I made myself watch the debate, despite the fact that I had to make a conscious effort to keep my stress level down. I love what Jim Lehrer did, or tried to do, in encouraging the candidates to speak directly to each other. I grow weary in the last stretch, let's get it over with, already. I've never been so ready to vote. Gee, would I sound like McCain if I said, "I first voted in '68, and in most every pressie, plus lotso state and local elections, and I can say we've never had so much at stake in our country. "

It was so painful to hear McCain's litany. He never once addressed Obama face to face. To be fair, Obama was a little uncomfortable at first about the degree of engagement that Lehrer was attempting to promote. Once he got into the swing of it, he addressed McCain, Lehrer, and the TV audience.

By the end, Obama had just hit his stride. McCain was flagging. It took a lot out of him. He couldn't get Obama to succumb to his bullying. Obama stood up to the insider smears, never taking the bait to lower himself to McCain's tactics.

You could see he was a little pissed at McCain insisting on trying to tarnish Obama's character, while never quite answering the question. From where I was sitting, Obama focused on actions, and never smeared McCain's character--only the Bush administration's bad judgment and decisions. McCain could hardly find anything good to talk about.

And he really put his foot in his mouth, unintentionally ratting on his homies, when he said, "I'll make sure that American soldiers never torture anyone again." That "again" was pretty much a public admission that that is in fact what has been going on since we invaded Iraq, of course before, as well, but not as systematically systemic. McCain is still talking about physically, forcibly taking over Iraq, hardly any mention of diplomacy, or of tackling the real problem in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

McCain would cut funding to everything but the defense and 2 other things I can't remember. And institute consumer-purchased health care. Without regulation in the industry, it will STILL be too expensive to purchase. Not a word about education, but lots about 'roiding the military.

It will be interesting to see if either of them changes their tactic in the next debate. Oh, gee, I guess I'd betterremember to get some heavy duty antacid for the VP debate.

Democratic National Convention

I frequently rail about the damage the Bush administration has perpetrated on America. I rarely comment on hope. But after watching the 4 nights of the DNC, I've got to say that I dare to hope again. Whether one is for Hillary or Obama, these last 4 nights have energized the Democratic party.

I was profoundly impressed with the strategy. A clear message, delivered with authenticity and passion, methodic, rational, honest...I dare say that there might be hope. The organizers did a phenomenal job of making the most of the opportunity. Thank goodness the Clintons are smart enough and astute enough to use their power for the good of the party, and not just the party, but the welfare of the country.

I watched tonight's installment with a friend who was severely abused by the Bush administration when he was in power in Texas. She spoke the truth (in a photograph) and he ruined her career. Her story is not so different from countless other Americans. An alcoholic bully, fronting a psychopathic cabal of politicians, has squandered our country, its people, its resources, its hope.

I miss my mother terribly tonight. Everything that she stood for, fought for, was vindicated tonight. She worked with Dr. King to register black voters in Texas in the early 60's. She championed Mexican American and African American students at a shit-kicker university in Texas in the mid-60's. She mentored brilliant minority artisans before it was outre. She even got us kicked out of a Black Panther meeting!

As Juan Palomo, journalist extraordinaire, stated in my mom's eulogy, "She was a feminist before the word was defined." The addition of women's and gay rights to the Democratic persona would have made her ecstatic. I can only comfort myself in the thought that it was women like her who forged the path, who made tonight possible.

I have written about the depression of the last 8 years, and how Bush's sociopathic characteristics trigger my personal Traumatic Stress Syndrome symptoms by reminding me of 20 years spent as the ersatz partner of another alcoholic sociopath.

These last four nights have been a capstone to my own healing, my own recovery. It doesn't matter whether it was Hillary or Barack who got the nomination, the most important thing is a valid, viable alternative to the insanity of the last 8 years.

Does this sound like hyperbole? I assure you it is not. It is what I live with day to day. Tonight I was able to acknowledge and validate my own journey, and those of countless brothers and sisters who have been through the same distress that I have.

But most of all, I miss my mom, and know that if she were here, she would have been in Denver, would have thrown her entire self into the changes that must come about, must occur for us to be a Good American once again.

Clinton/Obama debate by invitation only

Gee. CNN and Univision have teamed up to produce a Clinton/Obama debate on the UT-Austin campus. Citing security reasons, attendance is by invitation only. If that is truly the case, why were the authorities not concerned when Obama attracted 20,000 supporters at an outdoor venue in Austin a year ago?

Half the tickets go to the Texas Democratic Party. The other half to CNN/Univision peoples, the campaigns, and only a few to students, none to the general public. It's turning out to be a media event for the producers, not a debate for the students. If no more students are allowed to attend, then why tout the fact that it's on a university campus? This seems to run contrary to what Clinton and Obama are saying--that they value the youth vote.

I can guarantee, they will both have about 50,000+ really pissed off UT-Austin students. Unfortunately, the candidates will get the blame, rather than CNN/Univision--the MSM calls the shots once again. Bummer.