52 Weeks: #2

This week's mission was deceptively simple: accept yourself just the way you are. But oh, the unexpected knee-jerk resistance!

When I was younger, this was fairly easy--my mom was an articulate, well-educated, liberal freak, and always, always made sure to support me, bolster my confidence, nurture my creativity, and tell me how awesome I was. Even though I didn't accept it 100% all of the time, at least I knew someone smart thought I was groovy.

Half-way through my 20's, I allowed myself to get entrenched in an unhealthy relationship in which my partner thought it was his duty to tear me down and dump on everything I held dear about myself. Now, this person is currently doing his best to make amends, and I wish him well, but in fact, he destroyed my self-confidence. It's been a long, long road to regain some of that, and I'm determined to get that back.

This mission is addressing that particular topic head on. There's no "getting it back," in fact, because it never left. I'm still the same person I was, with even more experience and creative accomplishments under my belt. Pace and Kyeli tell me I'm perfect just the way I am. The trick is to realio, trulio believe it in my heart.

I learned something this week about my heart, and believing in myself. Before the "Bad Ex," there was a "Good Ex." This person was (and is) a true soul mate. I made a mistake in shedding that relationship, which I don't dwell on, simply acknowledge. The Good Ex not only accepted me the way I was, he adored me. I got an email out of the blue just before the new year in which he expressed that he still thinks of me as an awesome person. I was so stunned I couldn't reply for a whole week. It's extremely rare that I'm rendered speechless, and this email was so full of lovely things that I'm still walking around in a daze.

Which brings me to how I plan to take this mission to heart: the key is REASSURANCE, at least for me. I live alone, and sometimes that's hard to come by, especially when one is a rabid individualist. We all need reassurance from time to time. I will practice finding ways to reassure myself, or learn how to ask a few trusted friends and relatives for reassurance when I find it hard to believe in myself. More proof this is good for me--I only just now read what P & K have to say about reassurance, and they say it's OK to express our need for reassurance--we're so smart! It was very reassuring!

This is especially important as the body ages and becomes less physically attractive (maybe I'll get over that one, too), and since I'm no longer defined by or associated with a "straight" job. It may take a while to really soak in--after all, we're only meat! (Which according to Pace and Kyeli means that our emotional, non-rational self is awesome, too--see their incredible, free e-book, The Usual Error.)

I've been mulling over the Tucson shooting, and among other thoughts, was very reassured by our President's words. So this reassurance thing has universal as well as personal implications.

Tomorrow is the big Sixty Five! Lunch at Mandelo's with family, maybe shop for some good walking shoes, maybe a night at the Alamo Drafthouse South, catch up on a first-run movie. I plan to celebrate all week, if not longer.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Happy Day-Before to you! and Bright Blessings for a stellar 2011!
Another thing-we-forget-how-to-give-ourselves is permission!

I think they're related - reassurance and permission - but they aren't the same thing. Thank you for putting 'the right word' to it.
~ Karen J

Anonymous said...

Claudia ~ Happy Whole Birthday Week! Somehow, yesterday just didn't register as the 'tomorrow' you were talking about on the 17th! Yikes! Hope the whole *big day* was wonderful in every way you could desire, and that all the moving pieces of your Life slip into place 'smooth like buttah!' this year!!

Big Zen Birthday Hugs!
~ Karen in Chicago-ish

Roberta S said...

A Very Happy Birthday to you! And this gift of virtual delivery from me to you is a special vote for who you are.

Cowtown Pattie said...

I think we might be twins separated at birth...except my birthday isn't until May and it will be #57.

I hear ya, darlin'!

kokopelliwoman said...

Karen, thanks for the reminder about Permission. That's just as tough as asking for Reassurance. I think I see how you relate the two--maybe it comes down to fear?? I dunno. What do you think?

kokopelliwoman said...

Roberta, what a nice present! Thanks for the reassurance :)

kokopelliwoman said...

Big hug coming at ya, Pattie! If not twins, then certainly sisters.

Anonymous said...

@koko ~ (may I use the diminutive? 'kokopelliwoman' needs an awful lot of typing! (giggle)

~ Yeah! and FerSure!
They're both about 'fear' and 'old scripts' (written when ya had wa-a-a-y less life experience to apply) and 'your Inner Judge' (who only knows the old scripts).

Validation, Worthiness - they're all related. Yikes!
The solution that's galloping thru me right now, is learning to mindfully 'reclaim my own Power'. And how one can do that leads to another whole spirograph-picture/discussion!

Karen said...

Oh! 'kokopelliwoman' IS you, Claudia! - Hi! - how was your birthday week? Mah-velous, I hope! and Happy first Monday of the rest of your life!

Karen (curvesnangles) :)

kokopelliwoman said...

LOL @Karen. Yes, that's the handle I chose back in 1996 when I first went online. Based on my being a flute player and loving dogs. Seemed appropriate :)

kokopelliwoman said...

Karen, everyone calls me koko, which is perfect. Similar to my childhood nickname Kakaw. And yes, this is a subject deserving of more in depth rumination and discussion--old scripts/tapes die hard!